happy twenty-fourth year

因爲近距離接觸中文已經有些時日，所以存在生疏的感覺也再所難免。

似乎每一年的那一天都必須感慨一番。
儀式一樣，悼念每一年比此刻更年幼的自己。

大肆慶祝、敲鑼打鼓。
或，靜悄悄地等著那天之後的十二點鐘聲響。
可能，有些人獨自落淚。

我沒什麽。
就看誰有心誰記得，做什麽去哪裏都好。
只要是誠心，我都接受。


生日是對於自己成長的檢討及驗收。
把那一天拿來結算自己成長的表現，期許未來，邁向那個更出色的自己。

這其中當然包括對於身邊人的總結。
我們越大越孤獨不因爲什麽，只是因爲我們都會變，而很多很多人變得速度和方向是無法想象的。
生活讓人疲乏，不再有實際利益的關係也就讓人無法投注精力，讓感情也難以維持、恆溫。

或許大家都沒錯。
可是想想還是會讓心裏生起寒意。

留不住的就讓它走。
一直賴在身邊的死朋友，就絕對不要讓他們走遠。

生日快樂，天天快樂。

being alone

i've been doing some cleaning up in my brain lately.

You know, spending some time alone, doing things and visiting places i wanted to go.
i felt like myself again, i am happy whenever this thought came through, inside of me.

it was difficult trying to accommodate everyone else. they are friends who i care about but i'm feeling the strain on myself lately. being alone is convenient and comfortable. i stop and linger in places i'm intrigued by and fly past like a sports car would, for places which don't appeal to me.

i hear myself breathing and listen to what comes to my mind. i see this world with only my eyes. play with children and smile at the beautiful things happening around me.

i enjoy my own company but i don't hate the company of others. most often, people get caught up in trivial matters like "what does he wants?" "oh would it be to her liking" and people waste away their life thinking these questions and not voicing out their own.

sometimes, i don't really get it. isn't it faster if everyone says what they want or don't want, instead of running around the bush, trying to understand what everyone else is thinking?

just say what you want, what you think and mean them.

what's the hard part about this?

spare me the bullshit and just say whatever.

if not, i'll thank you a million times if you can leave me and myself alone.


if someone's not happy with this big party, isn't better for the person to take off and lay on his/her old couch and down some booze. you get what i mean.

and being alone from time to time makes you realise who you really are isn't it? free from thoughts of your friends and family, and you'll learn your own personality. like leaving your shell and observing your own existence of being.

anyway, watched The Great Gatsby in the cinemas today. more about that after i get my hands on the original print.

choices & paths

i've tried my very best but it ended all too soon. yup the impact was hard to take and i might need some time recovering. Y advanced a step further but news, bad news about the interview came to my ears and she said  the situation wasn't optimistic. it's another round of waiting again. we've still got another shot at another application and results aren't gonna be out until the end of this month.

***

I thought a real long hard period of time when i received the rejection email.

I didn't know what was missing in my submission. Alright, Y and I approached it differently. but she got a headache after writing that piece, most probably because it wasn't her style of expressing ideas.

Well i did it my way. and yoohoos the panel didn't take a fancy to it. i just thought that they could accept the genuine me. oh well, maybe everyone likes to play it safe. so when am i going to even get a chance to perform?

is there really a need to throw away who i really am to be recognised?
why would you need me if anyone, or should i say no particular someone is what you're looking for?
why does this world like replicas?

and boy i can't blend in for goodness sake, it's like some chronic obsession i'm born with!
i know i sound like i have an identity crisis at this moment, but holy cow of lord (where did this even come from?!), how am i going to get anywhere if no one gives me a chance?

i seek different choices along my path but i need someone to answer my knocks on the door. i knock differently but why are you frightful before you even get the chance to see me?

i am tired. so tired that doors are shutting down on me everywhere and i can't see where else i can go now.

it's still sad everytime. after trying so hard but i still don't get anywhere. and people who don't even give 10% of my efforts just become richer and happier.

it doesn't help when you don't have understanding parents who you can totally trust.

sometimes i really feel myself breaking apart from the inside out and my heart feels like an epic earthquake which will raze me down into a wrecked land.

i have been hopefully waiting for something good to happen on me but i have no idea how long i can persist. i mean, i will keep trying but it's agonizing and heartbreaking.

till then.

Les Misérables

Just caught this in the cinema.
As a musical fanatic, how can i possibly miss this one out.

i mean, just look at the cast, the trailer, the scale of this film. it's too good to miss out.

i shall skip through all the details and get to the point.

Hmm. it's typical of a French, in the style and idea behind the precipitation of this story. Although this movie is an adaptation, i guess most of the idea behind the original novel was preserved ( i did not personally read the novels before, but with the attention given to each detail, i can figure that they did not destroy the original story).

With a big change in the society, there needs to be sacrifices made. that is, in humongous amounts. blood flows into rivers and tears into lakes, there is always one thing we can't fight against. Life.

everyone just thinks differently and lives according to how they were raised, or were moulded into by the society. the sets of values we have inside of us might not be the same but in circumstances of hardships, all that every single person wants is just a meal, a hope and a place to call home. dilemmas rises, we question our conscience and what we used to believe in. we might take on a new belief or give all of it up.

there needs to be a huge period of passage of time, a whole lot of agony and struggle and an unimaginable number of hearts to stop beating, before we can truly embrace a new world. and it is with the memory of these pain that gives the present meaning and hope. so that for generations to come, they don't face the same situation that happened. but no guarantee on what other questions might the future pose.

the actors, amazing. music, touching. cinematography, outstanding.

*******

something related.

it's been a hard time these months. been struggling to find something to live for.
i'm not going to kill myself, just thinking that my life should be greater than this, or at least more exciting and colourful than what it is now.

people are fragile stuff.
i'm frightful that my friends will hurt themselves but i do hope they come full circle with what they are encountering now. i understand some situations make people lose their mind because they didn't happen before. but hold on, you'll find a way out if you try really hard. i know life is cruel and painful but it doesn't mean giving everything up solves all your problems.

sometimes, i can't make them understand what i'm talking about. they listen but they keep twirling themselves in repetitive thoughts. i've been there as well, i didn't recover immediately. but forcing yourself to see the truth and accept the decision you've made makes you come back to reality. regardless of how painful it might feel. the pain is another matter again. but at least, you made an effort to snap out of the mire.

if words can describe how painful i feel as well. aish.
i'm equally helpless these days too.
i can gladly use a hug and a warm smile.

虛幻的意義

「我寫小說的理由，追根究柢只有一個。就是讓個人靈魂的尊嚴浮上來，在那裡打上一道光。為了不讓我們的靈魂被體制套牢、貶低，而經常照亮那裡，鳴響警鐘，那正是故事的任務。




我這樣相信，藉著寫生與死的故事，寫愛的故事，繼續嘗試讓人哭泣，使人畏怯，引人發笑，讓每個靈魂不可替代的珍貴性明確化，這是小說家的工作。




因此我們每天繼續認真地創作各種虛構的故事。」


.........村上春樹，〈牆與蛋：耶路撒冷獎得獎感言〉，《村上春樹雜文集》，賴明珠譯（時報，2012）

Doomsday or not

Yup it's 21st december. it's 2.27am as i'm typing this post.

why is the world not ending? everything feels very much the same. come on, give a sign.

alright haha, i'm not that bothered by all these doomsday talk actually. I'll just keep doing what i do as long i manage to see tomorrow. who can predict what really happens in the future?

we do have to save up for rainy days and prepare ourselves for the worst that will arrive. but there's zilch we can do when we're up against the almighty .... the other party however you might call him/her/it (you can capitalise the first alphabet if that make you feel a tad better about addressing that party.



clock is ticking, i'm breathing.
just keep living as long as you can.

ode to joyful life.
or at least in the journey to seek for joy. that makes it enjoyable as well.

wreck-it ralph

YIPPIEDOOOOOOOOS :D
I WON TICKETS TO WATCH "WRECK-IT RALPH", THANKS TO NUFFNANG (:

thank you darlings!

Wreck-it Ralph revolves around the same big concept as with Toy Story -aha!- which happens that both films are from the same creators. Something about childhood, going back in time, about imagination. Things adults choose to dabble less time in, or in most cases, become oblivious to.

Toys and games all alike.

It's about a kind of life beyond living things and gains energy only when we choose to imagine them. of course with knowledge we know toys are plastics and fabrics; and video games are electrical signals of different wavelengths behind the screen that separates them and us. But above all, they are our creations and they do actually reflect what's happening in all our lives as well. quite aptly.

the different arcade games are just different circles of lives but we do cross over to other peoples' lives, intentionally or not, to help or not to.

Ralph questioned the meaning of his digital life and seeks to find it. He ended up landing in the same way of life but everything changed. Some things can't be changed but the attitude you receive will turn out in an unexpected way. Like Ralph, there needs to be a bad guy for the game to go on, but no one appreciates him until they realised his value. there can be no good without bad. and the thing about life is, shiny trophies and medals are revered by most but they are not a good summary of life in its entirety.

the downside is, big cities with big lights and pragmatism, do these sort of stuff to judge people and gives them value tags.

 ****

That aside.

some ideas in the show are ingenious. the diet coke mountain and the mentos stalactites, the popcorn fans in Sugar Rush game, the BAD-nymous gathering, Fix-it Felix and Calhourn (Jane Lynch is A-MAZ-ING).

ideas so cute and so devilishly brilliant.

i'm sensing a sequel for this!
anyhoos, why doesn't mario appears!

theme drawing- epilogue

life's same old boring so why don't we do something?

(OMG IT RHYMES. forgive me. i've got some inexplicable OCDs.)

i'll draw something every week and do a short write-up about the drawing, might be the feeling i had when i was drawing it, or the thing(s) that inspired me on that particular one, or any other random stuff i want to rope in and talk about.


WARNING: it might be abstract, ridiculous, illogical, childish, or all or part of the abovementioned.

what else? it might not be exclusively in english, might be in chinese as well, depending on the mood at that juncture.

so keep watching.

choices

every morning, we open our eyes to see this world.
for a moment, we can choose to leave the bed we've warmed up with our body heat or we can ignore the alarm ringing, sunlight spilling in, just shut our eyes and head back to sleep.

we get dressed. we choose.
shirts? skirts? stripes? plain? neutral colours or bright palates?

we choose to go to work.
or not to.
one way or the other, we have to eat to stop the stomach rumbling and keep ourselves running.

at the eatery, we look at the food available and think to ourselves, "what should i have?"
steak? hmm too heavy for lunch.
rice? oh no. carbs might make my stomach bloated.
fish? is it fresh?
then maybe your final choice is a steak-/rice-/fish-lunch.

after returning to office, you continue to do what you do.
6 o'clock approaches but your stack is piling up.
you hear the second hand of the clock clicking away.
you need to decide if you should stay or go.


we don't stop making choices.
every little thing we do, we choose.

despite the limited choices we can hold in hand, for most of us, we hope every little choice can make us and our lives a little bit better. the fact is, we are unable to make a huge change in our lives. and for most of the reason, it's because we are all ordinary beings with nothing much to our names (and not much to our parents', or grandparents' names as well).

we try, try to live better, feel better.
try to grab every opportunity that seems to offer what we might pursue in life.
but it requires luck, above everything, to succeed.

sometimes, i feel that people i know are amazing people with amazing abilities.
but they are squeezed and compressed to a level which might not be the best for them.
for some, it's a choice made by themselves which trap themselves within the circumstance.
for the others, it's downright a luckless life.

i'm sad because i try hard too. very hard.
but more often than not, i don't get what i wanted to.

i think i need a big break in life.
i need to find my own life.

Soon.

Rainy days and Mondays

Nope, not carpenters' song. but yeah, I truly adore them (:

That aside, it's been an awesome Monday.

Went for casting, got free new lenses to try out, continued to read a brilliant book with my hot vanilla tea, smelt the pleasant rain (or rather, felt), got a xmas present for exchange, chatted with a beloved ex co-worker...ohhhh God, I'm yapping like a granny.

And I got kids staring at me today, like random kids at different locations. Okay maybe not stare, just looking.

NONSTOP.

Alright I shall forgive them. Not offensive anyway.

:D

on a side note, my butt and my legs hurt. From double injury. One, badminton. two, I fall smack on a flight of stairs.

And on another side note, my sore throat returns!!!!!!!!!! It's not even been a week since I've recovered.

Boo.

I shall end this with a paragraph I like in my brilliant book, just to lift some spirits.

of knots & complications

you know why curses and swear words were invented for,

when you find that no other possible phrases or words in your brain dictionary can aptly describe your feelings at the moment.

it's been a while since i've meeting up more friends. 

and you see them, very much the same on the outside.

but slowly they experience little changes in life inside of their bloodstreams and hearts.

had a nice talk with a newfound friend, who is like a lovely younger sister.

J was talking about random stuff, best friends who became not-so-best-friends, boy stuff, work stuff and how screwed up some people are. 

i can't even imagine how it's like to work in the shop anymore, since i left weeks ago.
it's fortunate that she's going back for only a day a week.

it's difficult to find someone who just wants to be a friend. 

with no other intention in mind. 

i guess sometimes what you want in a friend isn't exactly what you get when you get to know someone better.

even if it's an amazing friend you've come to known, 

there's no guarantee that it's going to be like that forever ever and ever. like, till the sea runs dry.

our insides get tied up like that you know. when we go round and round about a certain idea. it sucks knowing you can't snip it but you can't figure out the way to untangle the knot.

oh wells. sometimes it stays like that and life goes on.
just keep yourself together and breathe, and you'll survive and perhaps bump into the solution someday.

optimistic i know.
but it's the better way to live, yeah? 

multiple beginnings.

This is already the....hmmm....
okay nevermind.

So you can see, it's been a whooping nth time I've started a new blog.
There's almost always something going on in my mind, okay i know, whose brain doesn't.
 But my point is, thoughts come, my hands itch.
and when i start a blog where i can remedy the itch, i can't find a way to keep writing, or at least find the right way to write.

oh that last sentence rhymes!

so here goes another try.
at least i've somewhere to mark down where my brain's been and where it hasn't roamed to.

awesome.
so till the next!