choices & paths

i've tried my very best but it ended all too soon. yup the impact was hard to take and i might need some time recovering. Y advanced a step further but news, bad news about the interview came to my ears and she said  the situation wasn't optimistic. it's another round of waiting again. we've still got another shot at another application and results aren't gonna be out until the end of this month.

***

I thought a real long hard period of time when i received the rejection email.

I didn't know what was missing in my submission. Alright, Y and I approached it differently. but she got a headache after writing that piece, most probably because it wasn't her style of expressing ideas.

Well i did it my way. and yoohoos the panel didn't take a fancy to it. i just thought that they could accept the genuine me. oh well, maybe everyone likes to play it safe. so when am i going to even get a chance to perform?

is there really a need to throw away who i really am to be recognised?
why would you need me if anyone, or should i say no particular someone is what you're looking for?
why does this world like replicas?

and boy i can't blend in for goodness sake, it's like some chronic obsession i'm born with!
i know i sound like i have an identity crisis at this moment, but holy cow of lord (where did this even come from?!), how am i going to get anywhere if no one gives me a chance?

i seek different choices along my path but i need someone to answer my knocks on the door. i knock differently but why are you frightful before you even get the chance to see me?

i am tired. so tired that doors are shutting down on me everywhere and i can't see where else i can go now.

it's still sad everytime. after trying so hard but i still don't get anywhere. and people who don't even give 10% of my efforts just become richer and happier.

it doesn't help when you don't have understanding parents who you can totally trust.

sometimes i really feel myself breaking apart from the inside out and my heart feels like an epic earthquake which will raze me down into a wrecked land.

i have been hopefully waiting for something good to happen on me but i have no idea how long i can persist. i mean, i will keep trying but it's agonizing and heartbreaking.

till then.